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I suppose that is very sensible Emma!

Lags And Wags - Part One

Picture By Prisoner Matthew Williams

In the first instalment of a series for Inside Time, writer and comedienne Alison Henderson introduces the various characters that will, over the coming months, become familiar names to readers

Sue and Baz Taylor have been together for donkey’s years. They met on
Sue’s estate when Baz was ordered to do 250 hours community service sticking begonias in troughs as part of a council scheme to clean up the area. According to Sue, ‘Mohican’ Baz is a lovable rogue … according to his probation officer he’s a rogue minus the lovable.

Despite the graffiti and the occasional person forgetting to use their pooper-scoopers, Turpin Court was a friendly little estate (the local dibble begged to differ) however everyone was helpful and used to ‘giving’ … alibis.

Sue and Baz were well known on the estate and the Walker twins were well known to everyone - especially the parole board. Cyril and Magnus Walker - both with leg impairments - are two old-timers in their late 60’s. Cyril is married to laid back Maureen and Magnus to his motorbike and sidecar outfit, which has been pulled more times than Henry the Eighth.

Close friends and straight heads Vera and Brian Stanley live around the corner from Sue and Baz on Sherwood Close. Brian had maintained a clean CRB check for years until recently when he found himself banged up in the slammer for the first time. Vera on the other hand is a true law-abiding citizen who is under the impression that those using smack and crack should tell their children off constructively instead of giving them a clip round the ear.

Turpin Court has its fair share of characters and if there’s one positive thing about it - the lags and their wags stick together like photographs and toothpaste.

Dad’s in the Navy

Sue was a dab hand at prison life, her fella Baz had done more bird than Peter Stringfellow, only his bird consisted of a tart purchased from Aramark not the suspenders and stocking sort!

When all was said and done, Sue was happy standing by him and surprisingly enough over the years they conceived three lovely kids at the back of Blackpool Tower. No matter how stressful prison life was to them, they always sent a thank you card to HMP Kirkham for the opportunity of those town visits. Baz would refer to them as ‘Relief on Temporary Licence’.

Unfortunately, Sue’s pal Vera was finding it hard to come to terms with her hubby’s imprisonment. It was Brian’s first time in the clink and clueless Vera’s first experience of Ann Summers’ parties - and probably the last, as she mistakenly ordered 12 metres of dildo rails for her bedroom wall - unbeknown to naive Vera, it was a slightly different DIY night! So It was down to Sue to teach poor Vera the HMPS ropes, with Vera’s perception of Brian inside is that of a blue coat!

‘There you go petal’, said Sue as she handed Vera a coffee.

‘Thanks darling’, mumbled Vera nervously. ‘Hey Sue, it says on this list here that Brian can have a board game sent in you know.’

‘Well, Hungry Hippo’s is only a fiver from Woollies!’ commented Sue.
‘Hungry Hippo’s?’ frowned Vera.
‘Well, he’ll make a bloody show of himself if you send him Scrabble!’ Sue replied.
‘Very true, Brian isn’t the best of spellers’, nodded Vera in agreement.
‘According to his letter here, he’s on a boat! He’s written HMS Wandsworth on the top of his script!’ Sue sighed, shaking her head.
‘Hmm, err, well, the thing is …’ stuttered Vera, ‘I’ve told …’
‘Hang on, hang on, where have you told Paul his dad is?‘ interrupted Sue.
‘Well, err, it’s difficult to explain this situation to kids isn’t it?’ blushed Vera.
‘Meaning?’ quizzed Sue with her arms firmly folded.
‘Well, I ended up speaking to PISS this morning’, explained Vera.
‘Had a wee moment there then did you?’ gasped Sue.
‘PISS gave me some really good advice actually’, replied Vera confidently.
‘I’ve never rung Partners In Severe Stress, so what was their advice then?’ asked Sue.
‘Well they said that whatever I feel comfortable telling him really’, cooed Vera.
‘And?’ quizzed Sue.
‘So I’ve told Paul he’s in the Navy’, replied Vera.
‘Paul’s bloody 19 years old Vera! Not to mention the fact love that his dad’s conviction will more than likely turn up on Harry Hill’s TV Burp one day, as well as the bloody Sun newspaper, if not the Daily Sport!’, ranted Sue with her head in her hands.
‘Well his crime is hardly a laughing matter is it?’ responded Vera.
‘Love, he was caught surfing with his birthday suit on!’ sighed Sue.
‘Yes, but Brian thought it was a nudist beach’, replied Vera.
‘Hmmm, not to mention the coastguards thought he was a woman!’ laughed Sue, ‘Although having said that, it was a bit nippy that day eh!’
‘The Navy was the only thing I could think of’, garbled Vera.
‘It adds a whole new meaning to the song You Can Leave Your Hat On!‘ giggled Sue uncontrollably, ‘Probation will be referring him to the cast of The Full Monty as part of his resettlement plan!’
‘The thing is here, no one thinks of the families do they Sue? I mean, who campaigns for us lot? It’s us that have to suffer on the outside’, Vera moaned.
‘Why don’t you campaign then Vera?’ proposed Sue seriously.
‘Do you think so?’ asked Vera … pondering.
‘Hell, why not’, Sue nodded, ‘Raising awareness is all good’.
‘I might just do that you know, yes, what a great idea!’ nodded Vera.
‘Hire a horse’, suggested Sue.
‘Pardon?’ coughed Vera.
‘Hire a horse, some knocker tassels and do a Lady Godiva to Wandsworth with a bloody huge placard saying The Naked Truth About Our Prison System!’
‘I’d be locked up for that!’ gasped Vera, startled.
‘Probably … but there’s one good thing, it would save the hassle of the screws strip searching you eh!’ winked Sue.

INSIDE TIME NEWSPAPER FOR PRISONERS AND THEIR FAMILIES

My Prison Pen Pal.. Brian Bruce

My prison pen pal, Brian Bruce, has given me permission to publish his letters. Brian Bruce is brilliant! I haven't got a photo of him, but he loves garden gnomes, so the above really is the best I can do for the time being. Brian is a pensioner in prison. He is also somewhat very eccentric too, but you've gotta love him! Here's the first letter I received off Brian.

Dear Prison Widow ( Letter 1 )

Thank you for your letter. It was most welcome. My name is, Brian Bruce, and I am 87 years old. I am in prison because I stole three budgies from a pet shop and got an IPP sentence.

I don't like prison very much. It is very noisy and I have arthritis in my wrists so I can't play table tennis. So there isn't very much for me to do in prison. I get locked up every night at 8.00pm, but that is too late for me as I usually go to bed at 7.00pm when I am at home with my hot water bottle. So my routine is very messed up. Everyone on the prison wing calls me 'the bird man' because I stole 3 budgies. They say it suits me because I am 'doing bird.' My wife, Edna, comes and visits me sometimes, but I think she is knocking off, Bernard, who goes to Bingo with her, so I am most upset about that because, Bernard, and I play bowls together.

My wife is 83, and she only looks about 80, so she looks very young for her age. I have got photos on my cell wall of me and Edna when we used to do disco dancing at the Scout Hut every Wednesday. Once again, Prison Widow, thank you most kindly for your letter, and please do write to me again soon. All the very best, from Brian Bruce.

What's It Like Having A Husband In Prison?

See the title above? Well, it's a question I often get asked. " What's it like having a husband in prison?" How am I supposed to answer that seriously? I'd rather be asked, " What do you not miss about having your husband at home?" Well where do you want me to start? I don't miss him shoving my head under the duvet whilst he tries to gas me with his farts. I certainly don't miss having to transform myself in to, Florence Nightingale, when he's got a common cold, oops sorry, I mean Flu. What else is there? Oh yes, I definitely don't miss being his tour guide around the house. I still know my tour guide pitch to this day - " Hello husband. Directly facing you is a white square object that runs off electric and operates with water. People around the world call them, a washing machine. Moving swiftly on to the right is an upright rectangular shape that contains knobs - only you aren't sat on it may I add - it's called a cooker and you cook food on it." I could go on, but my tour guide days are over for the time being. In fact, when my husband was at home, I wrote to Stephen Hawkins, to ask him if he would consider inventing some mechanical socks so that they could walk from the bedroom floor, down the stairs, and trot on in to the washing machine all by themselves instead of women having to pick them up. I never got a reply, but we can but live in hope I suppose! I'm trying to think what else I don't miss. Ah, now I do remember what I don't miss. I really do not miss my shoulder being tapped at 3.00am in the morning when his testosterone is on fire, because testosterone and pre-menstrual tension are allergic to each other and there is no cure. So what is like having a husband in prison? Well you tell me!

Prison Widow Inside Time Article

By Prison Widow, from insidetime issue May 2011

I’ve had a wonderful week! The Easter holidays have been full on! Not only have I had to put up with the kids committing GBH on their Barbie dolls outside...

..but I’ve had the pleasure of grandma too – oh, and the Police – twice! It started on Good Friday when the ice-cream van arrived on the street. Grandma is 88. So when she said to the ice-cream man, “how much do you charge for a 69 please and have you got a big Rocket?” You’re not telling me that he didn’t realise she’d got somewhat slightly confused? And surely there was no need to ring the Police on an 88 year old woman who evidently meant a 99 cornet and a lolly! What’s the world coming to! My argument with the Police was, if there was an ice-cream woman and a man asked her for a Knickerbocker Glory, would they pursue any complaints? They soon shifted from my door! Maybe the ice-cream industry should choose more suitable names for their products? Talking of which, I wonder if any prison officers begrudge asking the ice-cream man for a Screwball? Prison had to come in to it somewhere along the line didn’t it? There’s no getting away from it when you’re a prison widow! Well let’s face it, even one of the most famous ice-cream manufacturers is called, WALL’S!

CLICK HERE to read full version!

Ballooning Around!

OK, how clever is this? An evening dress indeed made from balloons! Fair enough, and yes, it looks very pretty, but if I wore it? Take in to account I am a size plus and I live in an area full of undesirables. Someone somewhere, without a shadow of a doubt, would run to the pound store and buy a small needle craft kit for a quid, and pop the bloody thing, leaving me with two puppets on show - one called, CELL and one called ULITE that are attached to my thighs! I must also mention that, CELL and ULITE, have a little maze in which they can play on - that's on my stomach which contains a map of the London Underground - most commonly known as stretchmarks! So all in all, no I wouldn't even contemplate wearing this little number, however fantastic it looks!